At one point i left, i said fuck it to the world and everything within it and caught a bus and started sleeping under bridges. I thought i would find answers, and maybe love, and maybe myself, and all i found was a hate so ugly and repressed in myself it almost ate me. I look back at who i was then and it scares me. I am quite sure if i had kept gone i would have never came back, and would be dead or close to it now.
I read some writing from those days a few nights ago, i read them to someone who i falling head over heels for, and i was worried, beyond the catchy memes and jokes was a depression and feeling of worthlessness, would she taste in my voice that which i could plainly see behind the words? I think she could.
“Oh mysterious woman, I have seen your smile again, and while I may never know who you are, or ever meet you I know that in that moment my love was returned and that no matter what shapes or forms it might become, regardless of all the bullshit out there, in that moment all was fine, and that a moment similar may come again.” – Rev. Billy F. Sasquatch writing to a ghost a lifetime ago
i did that, i wrote to a woman i could not quite see in my dreams sometimes while i was out there being someone i was not. I was not sure who she was- but i knew that it was not the goddess that i was writing so much about at the time. I honestly think i found her now, and again i wonder if she knew that it was about her when i read it to her that night.
I still feel so strange, when i wake up things are so different; i am so much different, i have been a plays worth of personas in the last year-have i found just another mask and tie to put on? Another suit and hat to dance around in while i play that everything is ok and alright with a world that so evidently is not? Or is that i am finally nude now to the world? I think that-feeling this shiver of the self, as if i have emerged from a old pool or dark deep water- that i might be.
I am finally ok with being called my real name for the first time in longer than i can remember. This doesn’t mean that i know where i am going, or how much shit will ding and scratch me up along the way, or how many wild things i will have to run over-however i know now that i am the astronaut piloting this ship again.
You have infected me darling; with something so small and simple, you have injected me with myself. Perhaps now i can stop stumbling and stand full so that one day i can impart unto you the full breath of how beautiful you are now that i see with my own eyes and not through lens stained with mud. It will be a almost impossible task- for all that you are stuns the mind and 50milliion words can’t hold the meaning if it all.
I know that eventually i have all the time in the world to try.